(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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