i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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