I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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