you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
