So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
