I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
