I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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