I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
