i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My first STD was from a foam party
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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