How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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