We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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