Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
