I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Vodka?
Forever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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