You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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