Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
