The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
