i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
