I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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