why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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