In the future we'll all be gay
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
