Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
