a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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