I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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