So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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