youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You left your phone here
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