You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
