i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
