new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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