That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
