you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
