I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
