so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
