I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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