Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
