Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
