There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
