she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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