Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
