when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
