I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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