I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
