I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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