After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
