so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
