I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
