She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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