Barsexuality is the new black.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
