420 ftw
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
