I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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