Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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