3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
