i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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